Setting Boundaries with Others
Most homes have locks. Not only do we have the right to lock our doors, we also have the responsibility to protect ourselves and our loved ones. The same is true with personal boundaries. We have power—to say no, to not take call we don’t want to take, to not spend time doing things we don’t want to do , or with people we don’t want to be with. We have the power to insist we be treated respectfully and appropriately. We can define what we are willing to put up with. We can establish what is and what is not acceptable to us.
We can set boundaries. Boundaries give us the freedom to become the person we wish to be. Sometimes we might be afraid to speak up. Some, perhaps, never learned to do this or were taught they couldn’t. If we wish to be in charge of our destiny, we have to learn how to speak up and tell others what is acceptable and what is unacceptable to us.
Four-Step Process to Setting Boundaries:
Begin by saying, “WHEN YOU ___________________(state what is unacceptable),
I FEEL ________________ (describe your feelings).
From now on, I WANT____________________(describe your expectations).
IF YOU CONTINUE, I WILL _____________________ (describe the consequences of ignoring your request).
Here’s an example and more detail:
Define the unacceptable behavior by stating, “WHEN YOU . . .” For example, whenever Mary says something her husband disagrees with, he rolls his eyes and sighs, dismissing her opinion. Mary decides to set a boundary and begins with Step 1 by saying, “Whenever you disagree with me, you roll your eyes and sigh, as if you are exasperated by something I’ve said,”
When explaining your grievance, it is important to be specific. The person you are dealing with is not a mind reader and cannot be sure of what is troubling you unless you spell it out. Note that Mary did not say, “When you belittle me” (that is too vague), but said, “When you roll your eyes and sigh.” By being specific, you not only make sure the person you’re speaking to understands you, but you are helping them to become aware of their behavior, which may be automatic and done without any thinking on their part.
Mary continues setting her boundary by taking Step 2 and saying, “WHEN YOU do that, I FEEL hurt, I feel my opinions are dismissed, and I feel belittled. When you dismiss my opinions like that, I FEEL as if you believe I have nothing of value to say.”
Steps 1 and 2 are not about blaming. They are merely factual statements. Mary is not accusing her husband of being coldhearted. She is just expressing her feelings, and in Step 3, she will go on to express her needs.
Mary is ready to go on to Step 3, so she continues, “I WANT to be in a loving, caring, supportive relationship. I expect to be appreciated and respected. WHEN YOU dismiss my thoughts and opinions, I FEEL disrespected, and I FEEL like we are being driven apart.
So, from now on, when I express an opinion, I WANT you to stop rolling your eyes and sighing as if I don’t matter. I WANT you to listen to what I have to say, consider it, and respect my right to express an opinion without being laughed at, belittled or treated as a child. I don’t always agree with what you have to say, but I respect your right to have another opinion. At the very least, you can grant me the same courtesy.”
Note that in Step 3, too, it is important to be specific in stating what you want. Granted, it is helpful to know that Mary wishes to be in a loving, caring, and supportive relationship, and wants to be appreciated and respected. But those wishes are still to vague to be clearly understood. Fortunately, she later spelled out exactly what she wants when she added, “I WANT you to stop rolling your eyes and sighing as if I don’t matter. I WANT you to listen to what I have to say, consider it, and respect my right to express and opinion without being laughed at.”
A new boundary cannot be established unless it is enforced. The role of Step 4 is to announce the consequences of refusing to comply with the request being made. It isn’t always necessary to announce the consequences to the person you’re dealing with. However, it is essential that you choose the consequences in your own mind and commit to carrying them out if necessary.
In the case of Mary, her purpose isn’t to antagonize or threaten her husband. She merely wishes to correct his unacceptable behavior. So, in place of Step 4, she may simply say, “Do you understand what I am saying, Honey?”
But what if Mary’s husband continues to ridicule her? A boundary without enforcement is not a boundary, so if her husband’s behavior continues, Mary will convey the consequences.
The actions she will take are not punishment she is meting out, but the consequences her husband brought on himself by his own actions. Although there is much Mary can do and say, here is just one example, “I asked you to stop rolling your eyes and sighing whenever I express an opinion that differs from yours and you have refused to stop. So, I have decided to spend less time at home and start taking night school classes where I can imporve myself and make new friends. If I cannot find the respect I need and deserve at home, I will find it ouside the home. I hope you understand.”
Meeting Resistance
Everyone resists change, so if you try to set a boundary with a friend that ridicules you, they will probably try to brush it aside by saying something like, “I was just joking. You’re too sensitive.”
But don’t accept that explanation. Immediately reply, “You may have been joking, but I am not. If you continue to ridicule me, I will find another friend.”
Personal power means you are not less important than other; it means standing up for yourself.
The other side of the coin is this: others are not less important than you, so respect and honor their boundaries.
In sum, you are not here to live up to the expectation of others, but neither are they here to live up to yours. Seek assertiveness, balance or the middle path. That is, don’t be passive, allowing others to step all over you. Also, don’t be aggressive, bullying your way through life.
Rather, be assertive, defending your rights and the rights of others. The purpose of setting boundaries is not to be separated from others, but to gain the freedom and strength to live your life to its full potential. It is only after we learn how to protect, honor, and love ourselves that we are able to do the same for others.